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January 25 quotes :)This new place is for Thor so that he can enlighten everyone on msn with his quotes!!
Take four red capsules, in ten minutes take two more. Help is on the way!
It's craptacular.
No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz
You know those mornings that you just can't get out of bed, and you call in sick, if you had a job.
Woah! Hey! It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
No point in steering now.
I am your infant overlord. Surrender now or I'll poop on your lap.
Thank you for not discussing the outside world.
Exterminate all rational thought. That is the conclusion I have come to.
In a few moments the power of ten billion black holes will smush Bender and me together into a beautiful eternal quantum singularity.
I'm on a huge wispy rhino fart.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
No Hat. No Underwear. No Problem.
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Somewhere between apoplectic and apathetic.
Keepin' it surreal.
I ain't gonna stop untill the 25th houer, coz' now i'm living on blues power!
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory. The beatings will continue until morale improves. What has four legs and an one arm? A happy pit bull. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Conserve energy... fart in a jar There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen to, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? -- George Eliot "To love someone is to see him as God intended him" --Fydor Dostoyevsky "If it screams, it's not food... yet." ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. "There are easier things to do then understand women, like nailing water to a tree" I'm only wearing black until they make a darker color. should I smile cause we're friends, or cry cause that’s all we'll ever be? "Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious." - William Feather " Life is to short to be pissed off all the time" No-one ever ruined their eyesight by looking on the bright side I am not lost... I am exploring. Don't believe everything you think Don't start with me you won't win! Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out. Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER! I don't do mornings I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I just love nonverbal communication! I took a pain pill. Why are you still here? I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want? reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet Give up for a second and that is where you will finish Practice safe eating — always use condiments
A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it It's not whether you lose, it's how much fun you HAVE losing! Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go f***. why is it: you can sue McDonalds for getting fat, a cigarette compamy for getting cancer, but you cant sue Calsberg for all the ugly people you've dated? You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke
Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others
A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who
Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath
I wish life has a scroll back buffer
Hit any user to continue
Do one thing at time, with supreme excellence. (NASA proverb)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
I used to be an Atheist, until I found out I was God
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitiable.
I wave my private parts at your Aunties
Talking about love is like dancing about architecture
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
In an infinite universe, anything is possible
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love
Sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable from
sarcasm What garlic is to food, insanity is to art
'All you need is love'? Yeah? Try payin' the fuckin' rent with it
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done
Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe
After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
Love is like an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
Thinking is a powerful thing. Power is dangerous. I'm not allowed to play with dangerous things, therefore I don't think.don't think
When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone
For all you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
I've had fun before. This isn't it
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose
i dont swim in your toilet, so please dont pee in my pool
CAUTION: im a blond n im having a VERY bad day.. so plz use small words
There are two theories about arguing with women...Neither one works.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There is a technical meteorological term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called a "Monday."
This inner peace stuff is tough on the ol' coconut.
I wish I had a dollar for how happy I feel
When you're a one man band, nobody gets hurt
Interesting. No wait, the other thing: tedious
The holidays are all about texture, color and luxury
We're here to take your pornography and sodomize our vast imaginations.
I'm in a glass cage of emotion
Just when you thought life couldn't suck any worse
For your spanking sensation
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses... HIT IT
It wasn't lies, it was just....bullshit.
Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now.
You fat penguin!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free
You can outdistance that which is running after you but not what is running inside you.
You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends
Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura
Chaos, panic, & disorder....my work here is done
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it
Allow me to introduce my selves
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Evil is just live, spelt backwards
On a scale of 1 to 4, what are your feelings about the colour green?
I can't walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.
If she can cook chicken, yeah, she'll suit me to a T
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
There is no task so simple that you can't screw it up
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast
In an infinite universe, anything is possible
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
If Arsenic Fails, Try Algebra
If it’s brown, suck it down, if it’s pink, don’t you drink
Oral self-stimulation is possible... just swallow your pride
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Play it three more times and call it jazz
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 O'clock this afternoon
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Never express yourself more clearly than you think. N. Bohr
Quick! Get me my colored pencils! I'm having a paradigm shift
Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same idea.
Erotic: Using a goose feather. Kinky: Using the whole goose.
Bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise
Insanity is my only means of relaxation
Sleep is a poor subsititue for caffeine
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not
Life is a bitch, but some of the puppies are cute
On your mark, get set, go away!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you... But it's still on the list
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME
Earth is full. Go home
If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity
I'm not broke, I'm broken. I'm so poor I can't even pay attention
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind
Life is a circle where you are slowly winding back to a drooling, imobile, unintelligible being
Life is like a box of chocolates....and I'm a diabetic
A trouble shared, is twice as many people worried
Some people are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them
"What do you do for a living?"... "I make prostate cancer"... "Great! I've got to go... talk to someone else"
I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no god.
Shit happens, but we carry on
I believe the children are our future, unless we stop them now!
All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
Jesus loves me. But, I just want to be friends
Life is like a roll of toilet paper,The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.
Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth as you do
We are all stumbling blindly through the minefield of life
Be dishonest with yourself! The possibilities are endless!
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. Thomas Alva Edison
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. Leonardo DaVinci
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
If you can dream it, you can do it.
What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world.
A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on
If you can't convince them, confuse them
Each day comes just once in a lifetime
A diamond is a piece of coal that finished what it started.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Real men don't waster their hormones growing hair.
Do I look like a freakin' people person?
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
One of us is thinking about sex . . . OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I plead contemporary insanity.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut
Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went
I thought I was dancing ‘til somebody stepped on my hand.
You better stop drinking because you’re getting blurry
Anybody not using their tab?
Let’s drink ‘til we can’t feel feelings anymore.
The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.
She spilled a beer on me. That’s foreplay.
We’ve had enough to drink. Now let’s have too much.
Wow, that one had corners on it
I want all the booze in the world in this glass right now. All of it. Mix it up. I’ll drink every damn drop. Of course, I’m going to need a bigger glass
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